5 Ways of Helping Children show Care to Older Family Members

Most families will have some members who are elderly and frail but helping children to show love and respect can need thought. It is easy if Granny can go out and talk to the children but when someone is housebound and challenged cognitively then this can take more thought. These are a few thoughts from personal experience. Please do add more ideas in the comments. Sometimes, our efforts feel woefully thin.

I have started from the premise that children shouldn't be involved in personal care but should be able to help add joy to life.

• Visit but just for a short time. Generally, people love to see younger relatives but they find them tiring. My eight year old pops into see his Grandmother on most days. He will talk to her for a minute or two then go out. When we went down to see my Mother in a nursing home, I usually didn't stay as long if I had the children with me. Sometimes, we broke the visit into two, split up by a playground visit! On other occasions, the children visited for a short while and my husband took them out while I stayed longer.

• Help choose presents. Finding presents for very frail people can be difficult, especially, if they are on a modified diet. Sometimes, a child can suddenly hit on a great idea especially, if this is something that the whole family has been discussing. One of my children spotted a lovely illustrated book which was ideal as a gift. Some people may appreciate pictures and cards from the children although do handle this sensitively, particularly if there is cognitive impairment involved and Granny/Grandad can't be relied upon to say the appropriate thing!

• Read/recite part of the Bible or a favourite poem. The children and I recently practiced and read Daffodils: I wandered lonely as a cloud.  Make sure that you also provide a large print version and that hearing aid/reading glasses are used, as necessary.

• Look at old family photographs together. The children will be amused at the sight of their parents as children or older siblings when much younger.

• It may be appropriate to involve an older child in meal preparation. One of mine has been able to puree a roast properly. This means pureeing all the components separately and shaping them so that the meal looks attractive. Realistically, it is not possible to do this and serve up at the same time! While normal fish and chips were still on the menu, one of my older children was always happy to go to the chippie for his Grandmother.

Don't forget to encourage the children to pray for their older relatives.

Be sensitive about

• cognitive impairment. Remind the person you are visiting of your name, even if you are a son or daughter. Don't test them on the names of the grandchildren/greatgrandchildren. People can enjoy your visit even if they can't remember your name. 
• Hearing issues. Avoid background noise and speak clearly.
• There may be times when it isn't appropriate to take children to visit. They are few and far between but if the older relative is distressed or in pain then a visit may not be right. Generally, though it is better to visit.

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A day in Education at Home

There isn't an average day but I thought that I would write about a fairly ordinary day. Like most days, there were some differences: on more days than not we see other children and not going out because of the weather is a very rare event. Anyway, here goes:

 We were about on time starting, today. Sometimes, we lag. I don't like dragging tired children out of bed and the children can be a bit reluctant to have breakfast when there are carers in the kitchen but today, things went fairly well. When we start late, I try to stop a bit later for lunch.

We start Morning Time with prayer, a reading from The Ology,

work on our memory work which is currently Psalm 98-today we focused on verse 4 and sang our hymn for the week: Before Jehovah's awesome throne. We then did the day's problem from Bedtime Math. Today, this was about Lego towers. 

Younger Daughter then went to read The Thieves of Ostia while I read Charlotte's Web to Youngest Son. 

 We went onto English/literacy/language arts or whatever you want to call the subject. This included

• reading for both children.
• spelling. Both children use All about Spelling.
  Younger Daughter had a day off spelling as she had put in tremendous effort to finish her book yesterday. I hope to start the next level with her on Monday.
• Writing with Ease for Youngest Son.
• Latin for Younger Daughter. We started Minimus Secundus today,
  
  having finished the first book, yesterday. Minimus is a primary Latin curriculum which is working well for us. 
• Younger Son working on a talk for our local home education group. The children take turns to give a short  talk and Powerpoint presentation to the group. As we are studying countries, this is currently about a country. Younger Son's talk is about the USA so he was finding pictures of early explorers and putting these into the presentation.

 Break.
Today, Younger Daughter wanted to do a Skittle and water activity. The results were splendid.

She and her younger brother then went on to make lava lamps with oil, water, food colouring and a vitamin C tablet.
I used the break to spend a bit of time with Grandma and sort out some household tasks.

 Maths
Both children start with 10 questions which I write in their maths books, the previous day. These questions are usually around tables practice. After that, they go onto Galore Park Maths. 
My daughter was working on transformations and enjoyed this. 
Youngest Son continued work on equivalent fractions and then all three of us played Fraction Bingo which looks, again, at equivalent fractions.

Youngest Son requested another chapter of Charlotte's Web so I thought the lunch could wait!

Break for lunch/answering door to carers and district nurse and being around for them.

After lunch, both children spent about an hour on the trampoline and in the garden. It was very windy and we ended up sorting out some fence repairs from the wind.

We had a read aloud from Children of the New Forest and then about how bicycles work from Can you feel the Force?
At this point, the wind was howling and small branches were hurtling around. I had planned to go out, look at our bikes to fit in with the reading, do a nature walk and end up in the playground but I lost my nerve. Usually, we go out whatever the weather and  think that there isn't bad weather only bad clothes. Today, I wasn't sure how clothes would protect us from the wind so we stayed in and watched a video about Home Science activities. 

 Younger Daughter went on to make coloured sand (rice) from the instructions on the video and then a file to hold her books from another video on this channel. 

Not a bad day but not a perfect day. I would love to know about your day and in particular, what has worked well for you.

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First half term 2017

We divide our year into half terms, like most UK schools. This means that we never go too long without a break. Today marks the end of the first half term of the year.

This has been an odd half term. Grandma came home from hospital near the beginning and then my husband and the children had a trip to Moscow to meet up with our eldest daughter.

Having Grandma home has led to changes. Strangely, although we have more carers visiting and more visits, having the first visit earlier in the day has led to fewer interruptions in the morning. Although, we have had a spate of late morning visits from various professionals which has been rather disruptive to maths and led me to wonder whether we ought to change to a computer based programme. I'm not sure yet and would prefer to leave things as they are. 

The Moscow trip was exciting, in many ways because there was proper snow.

The children were also able to see some of the main sites in the city.

Moscow photos by kind permission of Younger Daughter

Youngest Son hadn't flown before and Younger Daughter had flown once when she was too young to remember so this has been an important trip.

We have spent time learning a little about Russian history, music, food and geography.

Our read alouds this half term haven't been around the Russian theme but were Little House in the Big Woods and The Long Winter for the children's book clubs. We have also started Children of the New Forest which fits in with our history and has led to a fair amount of discussion around the sides in the English Civil War. For morning time, we are reading

• The Ology
• Claude Monet: Magician of Colour
• The Ultimate Book of Science

I'm looking forward to having some time to evaluate and read over half term and maybe have some rest!

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Absence

Just a note about why I haven't been around much recently. We care for my husband's elderly mother. She spent most of December in hospital, very unwell. Rather to everyone's surprise, she pulled through this and has come home. Being home doesn't really mean she is better rather that she is poorly somewhere else and waits on the shores of Jordan.

We are grateful for the help we have from a large package of care and from various other agencies as well as friends who have volunteered to have the children, have visited and have prayed.

Please remember us and, particularly, Alun's Mum in prayer. I may not be around quite so much at present but do hope to have a little time towards the end of this week when I may be able to write.

Thank you all.

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January Inspiration

Happy New Year! I meant to post earlier but life has been busy. I'm not sure that it will quieten down anytime soon. We care for an elderly family member who has been very ill, in hospital. We are delighted that she seems to be on the mend so we are now involved in the arrangements for what will be a very complicated discharge from hospital. It will be lovely to get her home though.

We have also been enjoying having Older Daughter home from abroad for a few weeks. 

This house is very full of books so I enjoyed this post on steps to giving a book that will be loved.

I'm not successful at being a book minimalist or a minimalist about anything else, if truth be told, but Northern Nester's post about minimalist wardrobes for large families made sense. I do think that larger children's clothes will take up more space than that suggested and I know that 3-4 pairs of socks would be a struggle especially as the washing machine eats socks. 

The next article has an over-hopeful title but has some helpful points about habits.

This post, from Kitchentableclassroom is about strewing. 

I have started on the 2017 Christian Reading Challenge but haven't finished anything yet. There are three, maybe four, books on the go:

• Five English Reformers by JC Ryle. I am enjoying this but the book could do with editing. It is made up of six talks which leads to repetition between chapters.
• Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. Dickens' hint laden prose is intriguing.
• The Loveliness of Christ by Samuel Rutherford is a beautiful book but can only be read in small snatches as it is full of short quotes from his letters.
• The beggar from Volubilis by Caroline Lawrence is a current read aloud. I wasn't going to count this as the children's book on the list but might as we should be through it fairly soon. I would like to have completed one book for the challenge!

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Changes

Things rarely stay static and we have a few changes all coming together.

Elder Daughter is about to disappear on a year abroad. We've been living in a roller coaster of visa issues but these seem to have been resolved. The children would love to visit her at some point. I'm not making promises but have looked on TripAdvisor.

This week, Middle Son had his IGCSE results. We are thankful that he has done very well and has a place at his first choice of sixth form. It is going to seem strange having one fewer child at home, in the day. The last couple of days have included multiple forms and shopping for kit. I think that he is now ready which is just as well as he starts next week.

We care for an older relative and have hit a phase when the amount of help that we need to give seems to have increased exponentially. The last few weeks have included a plethora of different personnel either visiting or on the phone, along with new equipment arriving. I'm glad that this has happened in the summer holiday when there is a bit more time. I've been working on trying to stream line our home education and to make sure that the children have things that they can carry on doing if there are interruptions. As far as possible, I try to arrange visits, phone calls and arranging space for new equipment away from the hours when I am actively teaching but inevitably, this isn't always possible.

If you have time, please pray for us in these changes and that I will have wisdom in prioritising time.

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Changes

Sometimes life seems to go along smoothly and at other times, there are big changes. We are going through a time of change. One child is about to go away for a year as a part of their university course and another is about to go to the sixth form after being home educated. These are events that we have anticipated but we are also going through a time when we are needing to provide more care for our older family member.

This week, there has been a hospital admission and discharge as well as a meeting to plan increased levels of care. Of course, that means more people have to come to our home to make more assessments; new kit will be delivered and we will have more care givers in our home. We are grateful that we can have support but sometimes the whole process with all the meetings and phone calls involved gets overwhelming, as well as the sadness of knowing that this is needed.

This morning, I was sitting, in a nearly two and a half hour meeting, and thinking about the neglected housework; the children who were waiting for a picnic in the park; the floor that had just had milk spilled on it and the extras that were going to need arranging. It all felt too much. There are far busier people but for me, at that moment, the burden felt heavy. Then I remembered, these verses by Annie Cousins.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater, 
He sendeth more strength when the labours increase; 
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace. 


His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power has no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again! 


When we have exhausted our store of endurance, 
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done, 
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

God's grace is sufficient for me and for everyone who trusts in Him.

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12v9

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After the End of Term

Silence has hit my blog at the end of the summer term. Yes, it is tired time. In addition, we have reached a new phase in caring which is taking time. Part of the summer, will probably be spent with occupational and physiotherapists and rejuggling. 

I know that there are plenty of people busier than me and I'm grateful that around this season, there are times for reading, appreciating the warm weather and having a break. I'm glad too, that we do have support in this caring journey. Caring is something that I couldn't do on my own without my husband and children, the professional carers and most of all, the Lord.

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3 v 22-23

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Caring for an elderly parent at home and Giveaway

My booklet about looking after older people at home arrived today. 

This booklet looks at the practicalities of caring for an older parent, particularly, when they come to stay with the family of one of their children. This covers

• Who is responsible?
• When Grandma moves in.
• Grandma can eat jam first, you can't: Three generational living
• Looking after yourself
• When it all gets too much

The booklet can be purchased from Pilgrims' Friends.

I have a couple of copies of this booklet to give away. If you would like a copy either for yourself or someone else, please leave a comment with why you would like a copy and your email address. I won't publish these comments so your email address will stay private. I'm not particularly into random number generators so will select two from the comments. I am happy to post abroad if necessary. 

Giveaway closes Friday 12th February 2016 at 2300 GMT.

My hope and prayer is that this booklet will be useful. 

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Coming soon: Caring for an Elderly Parent

Last year, I was asked to write a booklet about caring for older people at home, by Pilgrims' Friend Society. Pilgrims' Friend Society is a Christian charity which runs homes for older people and also publishes resources with information and practical advice on caring for older people. This is a subject very close to my heart. Additionally, I was delighted to write for the Society as my Mother had been cared for,ably and lovingly, in one of the homes in the few years before her death.

My booklet Caring for an Elderly Parent: When Grandma Came to stay...  should be available from Pilgrims' Friend Society around the beginning of February. I pray that it will be useful for people who are caring for older people at home and for those who are considering taking this step.

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20 Christmas activities for the Oldest Old

At Christmas time, the oldest and frailest people in a family, and in society, may need help to take part. I've put together some simple ideas for including these people in the celebrations. Most of these ideas should be suitable for people with dementia. Many should be suitable for visits to people in care homes.

Please note that the title is a bit misleading. Some very elderly people are cooking Christmas meals, organising events and helping others. These ideas are not directed at them but at the frailest people who may lack the ability to initiate activities. 

This is a general list. Please use common sense. Some of these ideas will not be suitable for people who have very poor sight and others not suitable for people with poor hearing. My hope is to give you some ideas and hopefully, you will be inspired to think of others. Please do involve your children. Older people often love to see children but remember that visits don't have to be long!

• Advent calendar. Most people love chocolate!

• Christmas plant. Do check that someone is going to care for this.

• Photograph album. Often people with dementia can remember the distant past and may enjoy old photos. Ensure that their reading glasses are available.

• Go for a drive. Obviously, it is important to check that the person concerned is well enough to get into a car. If they have a blue disabled badge, do take this as it makes parking easier. 

• Play a simple game such as Snap. 

• Go to a carol service or listen to Nine Lessons and Carols. Check that they will be able to hear first. If going to a service with someone with a hearing aid, check that it is on the T setting to use an induction loop. Allow much more time than you would usually consider necessary, especially if using a wheelchair.

• Bible readings. Speak slowly and clearly. 

• Enjoy a poem together. Susan Jeffers' illustration of Robert Frost's Stopping by Woods would be an excellent choice and one that we plan to use over this time.

• Look at a book about Christmas past. John Goodall's Edwardian Christmas is a beautiful book with plenty of detail for discussion.

• Help with present wrapping.

• Sit around an open fire and enjoy a cup of tea together. Be careful not to leave anyone who may fall alone in a room with an open fire nor let them sit where they could fall into the fire if they stood and were unsteady.

• Help the Grandchildren, or other children, make and give home made cards.

• Watch the tree being decorated.

• Bring small fir boughs to decorate the older person's room.

• Bring out the old family china and linen for the table or a tray.

• Stir the Christmas pudding together.

• Enjoy mince pies together.

• Write a letter to an older person that it might be difficult for you to go to see.

• Show photographs of recent trips or your children on a phone. The frailest older people will not be able to operate the phone but often appreciate seeing the pictures.

• If possible, arrange for them to see other friends. If not, do they need help writing and posting Christmas cards?

I do hope these ideas are helpful. Please add more in the comments. 

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This post is shared on the Modest Mom link-up. 

Feeding a Big Family

We currently have all eight family members living here. This is a delight in many ways and something to be enjoyed, particularly, as I doubt that this will continue for long as two of our children are now adults.

The other side of a large family are the food bills. I'm glad about zero inflation as my food bills are rising. There are websites around which talk about reducing food expenditure but my current plan is to try to stabilise the amount we spend whilst realising that active people will eat a fair amount.

So some thoughts on managing food expense.

• If you have children and a garden, it really is worth planting fruit trees. The trees will have several years when their yield will be minimal but eventually, they will start to give reasonable quantities. Our eating apple trees have come into their own this year. 

• Buy in bulk. Buy one, get one free offers can work well for larger families. Potatoes are much cheaper in 20kg sacks. These aren't usually available from supermarkets but 7.5kg sacks can be found which are, again, cheaper than buying in smaller quantities.

• Don't waste food. I have found it useful to monitor where waste occurs. For us, this tends to be overfilling plates for younger and older members of the family. It is better to give smaller portions and allow second helpings than to waste food.

• Herbs and salad grow easily and cheaply. Many of my herbs grow on the kitchen window or close to the back door.

• Berries and currants are expensive to buy but cheap to grow. Currant bushes take a few years to be established so worth planting while children are younger and before they have adult size appetites.

•  Left overs can be used for lunches/when someone needs to eat late/dislikes what is on offer. It is, generally, over optimistic to hope to make a main meal from left overs. Stories about chickens stretching over three main meals don't quite work in a family of eight. The bones do, however, make great stock for a substantial soup.

• Pulses make meat go further and provide extra protein. Tins of beans/chick peas frequently go on offer. Alternatively, dried pulses are cheap but need more preparation.

• It isn't easy to cook double meals when large saucepans or casseroles are full making one meal but it is worth, occasionally, spending the time to make an extra. Pastry cases and casserole bases (meat not added) freeze well and are useful to keep for busy days.

Please add further thoughts.

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Providing Food for Older People

Eating frugally in a three generation family can be challenging. 

• there are different needs and may be special diets
• larger range of likes and dislikes
• need to have a different approach to likes/dislikes of the older generation than the children

Realistically, Granny or Grandad can't be told that if they don't like their food, they have to try at least some. Alternatives have to be provided. Of course, this does have knock on effects on the children! 

Many older people have conservative tastes in food and this seems to narrow as they get older. So, pasta, rice and curry may be out. This has financial implications, you might be able to make a pasta bake with three rashers of bacon in the sauce feed eight but if Granny doesn't eat pasta this doesn't really work.

How to manage?

-Sometimes, it is necessary to cook two main courses. It is unrealistic to expect the rest of the family to live on an endless supply of meat, two veg and potatoes! In addition, this probably isn't either the healthiest and certainly isn't the cheapest option.

-The second main course might have to be a ready meal to save sanity!

Ready meals

• vary widely in cost. The supermarkets sell ready meals for £1-£1.50. This is for a standard adult portion. I don't usually shop at Asda but they do seem to have the widest range. The specialist suppliers (Cook/Wiltshire Farm Foods/Oakhouse Foods) do have a reasonably wide choice but tend to cost £2.70-3.50 per mini meal. Full sized meals are more expensive.
• Standard supermarket ready meals may be too large for an older person and putting the whole meal on the place leads to waste. There are two ways round this; either serve up half the meal on one day and leave the rest for the next day. Alternatively, if another family member is either extra hungry or less keen on the food provided for them, they can eat the extra half.
• Supermarket frozen ready meals are cheaper than those on the fresh shelf.
• Of course, ready meals can be made at home. When a favourite meal is served, put a portion in a small container and freeze this or even have a special cooking session. I rarely seem to have time for the latter but saving an extra portion does work.

Meals that may appeal to everyone!

I have failed to find enough to make a month's menu! Still, here are a few ideas.

• Roast chicken/gammon/beef/pork/lamb
• Casserole-chicken/sausage
• Sausages and mash
• chicken kiev
• quiche
• lemon chicken
• chicken goujons

Desserts may be expected by older people and may be important to help them eat enough. I'm not convinced that providing dessert everyday helps the rest of the family so try to provide a choice of fruit or ice cream. 

Please do comment with thoughts/menu ideas or how you feed the older members of your family.

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Home Educating and being a Carer

This is the third post in my series about home educating in different circumstances. The first two posts were

• Where both Parents share Home Education and
• Home Education in a Minister's Family.

This is about home educating whilst being a carer. 

I will primarily focus on caring for an older relative on a long term basis as this is what I know about but many of the principles will apply in other situations. We have had an older relative live with us for over eight years now. Our younger two children either weren't born or don't remember life before we were care givers. 

Why be a carer?
-We are living in a society where people are, on average, living longer. Some of those people may well be our parents and grandparents and may need help as they get older.

-If we are Christians, then the injunctions from 1 Timothy5 about caring for older family members apply to us.

Verse 4 if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.

 Verse 9
But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

and
Verse 16

 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed.

Yes, for some people that may mean supervising the care of an older relative in a care home and making sure that care is optimal but for some that means having a relative to live with the family.

-Sometimes, it is easier to have an older relative close by than to try to help them from miles away. I know, we have been there!

There are many benefits to having an older relative in our own home or close by

-It is much easier to help them, for example, with doctors' appointments or with post.

-They will, almost certainly, like to see the grandchildren.

-They may be able to tell the grandchildren about the history of their lives. My children were able to hear, from their Grandmother, about her parents and their role in the First World War.

-This is a really tangible way to demonstrate love and show Christian kindness.

-Living in a family can be a remedy against loneliness.


But, and this is a big but, there are challenges:

• Appointments can interfere with learning. OK, appointments and caring are part of life and probably learning but there is a limit! 
• It is really difficult, probably impossible, to go on a spontaneous trip and arranging holidays can reach nightmare proportions. 
• While you are giving children independence, an older relative may well be losing this. It is easier to judge when a child can learn to do a new task than to know when an older person is no longer able.
• The doorbell seems to ring constantly and carers, social workers, therapists will see that your children are being educated at home. 
• And, yes, it is difficult to keep the house clean. There is more to do, more people in the house, more possessions and more mess.

How to manage being a carer and home educating?

• God's grace is sufficient. One of my favourite verses is 

My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12 verse 9

• Try to arrange routine appointments outside times when you would want to be doing more formal work with children. This isn't always possible but surprisingly often does work.
• Would a telephone appointment work for something routine? Again, a big time saver.
• Think of other time savers. Will the pharmacy deliver? Can grocery shopping be done on line?
• It isn't possible or even wise to clean the house before every caregiver visit. 
• Have a plan. We front load our day with English and maths so that if things go wrong, at least that is covered. Let older children know what they should be doing so they can get on with work while you deal with the care agency review. Have something for each child to do when you are busy-this may be Duplo, a book, handwriting or whatever they can handle on their own.
• Don't try to do everything-it just isn't possible. It is better to be relatively relaxed with a messy house than stressed out.
• There needs to be some balance between the generations, including the middle generation! This may mean that the children can't go on every trip but it does mean that they should be able to go on trips and to home education group meetings. It means that the older generation should also have a chance to go out and that their hospital appointments are prioritised. For the middle generation, too busy is not having time to read God's Word or get to church or to the doctor when necessary. Sometimes, it is necessary to ask for help!

I do hope this is useful. It is possible to home educate and be a carer. God gives grace and strength for the day. Please feel free to ask questions or email me.

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