I muttered about this post the other day after a time consuming and unsuccessful afternoon. On reflection, that was the best start for this because caring takes time.
When Grandma arrived over four years ago, I had no idea how much time would be involved. Probably a good thing. It is right for her to be here but I would have gulped at the thought of the time. What is more, I don't do much caring. Many people do much, much more.
I don't have to get up at night (children excepted), do personal care nor feed. Many, many people have to do these things and more. I've still got time and energy to blog. I don't have to watch a wanderer. But, even so, caring takes time.
Why, well, it varies but another person in any household takes time. They need to be looked after, talked to and have food and clean laundry but an older person isn't like another child.
An elder who lives with a family is likely to have health needs and may well not be able to arrange appointments, medication and tests for themselves. They are likely to need an advocate and this takes time. They are unlikely to be able to manage to get themselves to appointments or arrange collection of medication. Also true for children but the legal status of adults is different. No one will see a six year old on their own and leave you guessing whether they were given another appointment or not. Can happen with adults especially those on the cusp of being able to decide for themselves but who can be a bit fuzzy around the edges (perhaps more in another post). What happens when the older person is holding a blood test form but has an infection, gets a bit confused and can't find the form? Sorting it out takes time-sometimes the answer is to keep the forms somewhere else, sometimes it isn't.
They can't rush. I'm the sort of person who believes in arriving at appointments with 15 seconds to spare-not late, of course! In order to achieve this, it is necessary to be able to hotfoot down the road on occasion, sometimes with buggy. One year olds find this terribly exciting but I wouldn't suggest trying this with Granny in a wheelchair. The consequences are not quite the same. The other prerequisite of arriving just on time is a slightly blasé attitude to being late:
"By 1130, they will definitely be running at least a few minutes late".
True but not kind to someone who has never been late. So a bit of organisation is in order. It wasn't an easy lesson for me.
As people become frailer, it may not be possible to leave them for long. Can they get a meal-probably not, otherwise they might well be living alone. A slow cooker can help if this is the only issue. Are they prone to falls? Yes, of course, this needs to be looked at medically but it may mean that impromptu day trips for all the rest of the family are out. Not a disaster, but can need careful planning to make sure that children still get outings.
I'm not writing this to put anyone off caring for an older relative. We are convinced that this is the right course for us at present and also know that there have been many benefits but it does take time and can mean that there are other things that can't be done.
Oh boy, you are so gracious to do this. I know you don't want that kind of praise, but ...
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy, and there will be so many scenarios that don't even cross my mind, but that you have to deal with on a week-to-week basis. I pray God's blessing on you all x
Hmmm, I often don't feel at all gracious. God has taught me so much about myself and my own sinfulness and bad attitudes from this. There are many blessings too. Thank you for your prayers.
ReplyDeleteThese are helpful thoughts Sarah, my father was quite unwell at home for the month of December and I found it quite exhausting to meet his every need, though thankful to be able to. My Father in law is bedridden/housebound and we are also thankful that my mother-in-law is fully able to cope with the situation with the help of carers.
ReplyDeleteI believe the command to "Honour your father and mother, doesn't end when we leave and cleave" - May God bless you in your labours.
Elaine, thank you. I agree about the commandment although think there are occasions when there needs to be help with care or the care even delegated.
ReplyDeleteAnd what a hard and yet beautiful way to spend your time, Elisabeth. I know I can't begin to imagine the challenges, but I pray your heart would be encouraged each day to know that you are spending your time well. May God give you much peace about those other things that don't get done, knowing there will be another season for them or knowing they didn't matter after all. Christ's richest blessings upon you and your family.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post, Sarah. I wonder how these thoughts/principles work out for those who care for their (now adult) disabled children (I have a couple of friends in that position now). I also admire your good work
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Hx
Henrietta, I'm sure that some of the issues are similar for carers of adult disabled children especially some of the difficult issues around capacity and information. I really admire such carers as they also must deal with the grief of not seeing children leave home and set up their own home.
ReplyDeleteTrisha, thank you.
ReplyDeleteMy F-I-L is getting increasingly dependant on my my-I-L and we are seeing first hand how utterly curtailing on a carers life caring can be! She cares alone (with support from us/church) at the current time.
ReplyDeleteSusanna, at least she has you and the church. Many spouses care with no help and may have health problems themselves.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Sarah. I'm sure it must be really hard work and very demanding on patience and love. But in the sacrifice, for the Lord's sake, there is blessing. When we lose our lives he saves them. There is a good post over on 'Femina' on giving. Rachel x
ReplyDeleteRachel, thank you. I will have a look at that post.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to read something from the carers point of view. I am cared for by my parents which, as they are now both well past retirement age, is something of a concern all round. Best wishes to you and your family for 2012.
ReplyDeleteHazel, thank you for commenting. I can understand your concern. I am very grateful for my health and relative youth (very relative-my children would say!).
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to care for someone, I have never been in this position but once worked as a paid carer for an elderly lady while in uni and it was interesting. So glad you are able to help your mother because having family around is always better as long as you can manage it:)
ReplyDeleteTthank you for your honesty! A lot of people would not have been as honest about their circumstances. right before the holidays my husband along with his sister had to find an assisted living facility for their mom. We talked about his mom moving in with us; I hate to admit this but we knew it would take more time to care for her. which meant less time to care for my children. Cast your burdens on Him! HE will give you rest and peace! blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteChristine, often is just isn't practical to care for someone at home. My Mother is in a nursing home. I had a fair amount of heart searching about this especially as she went there about the time that my husband's mother moved in with us but realistically, there was no way that I could have looked after her properly and done everything else. Thank you for your encouragement.
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