Some Thoughts On Caring

Today, I am very grateful that Hazel Stapleton of On eagles wings has very kindly written a guest post about caring from the perspective someone who needs care. I hope to put up a second  post, tomorrow, with some very practical thoughts, from Hazel.

  

Having been asked to write on the subject of “needing care”, I wasn’t really sure where

to begin! Therefore what follows are simply a few thoughts that I have had on the

subject of caring for and supporting those who have long-term health problems.

Just to give a few details about where I am coming from: I have been ill with M.E.

(Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, a neurological condition) since February 1991; I had been

studying to be a nurse at the time, but suddenly became ill following an Hepatitis B

vaccination that I was required to have for my training and I have been ill ever since.

For the first eight years or so I was moderately affected by my illness, but since 1999 I

have had severe M.E. and my health continues to gradually deteriorate. I am mainly

housebound and have to spend much of my time resting. How thankful I am for my

laptop computer and email and the Internet! I live with my parents, both of whom are

past retirement age, and am very dependent on them; this is obviously a matter concern

as Mum and Dad get older.

Over the years I have listened to many sermons and read many books and articles on

the subject of suffering and related issues, some good, some not so good! I guess a lot

depends upon whether or not the speaker or author has had personal experience of

suffering or of caring for someone close to them who is unwell or disabled in some way.

However, even if they have done so, for those who are ill “suffering is a very lonely path,

cut off from others but longing that someone would understand” (Barbara Edwards).

When unable to go out very much and having to spend a lot of the time looking at the

same four walls, it is easy to lose touch with reality. Things that are “normal” for most

people, such as having jobs, getting married, having children, and so on, can seem

abnormal and well out of reach. There are feelings of guilt, of being a burden on those

who care for you, knowing how much your illness affects and limits their lives as well as

your own. Trying to remain positive and cheerful as much as possible is no doubt a help

to those who care - but it is also something of a challenge when feeling ill and in pain!

For those of us who are ill and single, another problem is of course that of loneliness, of

being cut off from other people, of not having a husband or wife - and it is particularly

hard when all those around you appear to be getting married, settling down, and having

families!

However, “the times we find ourselves having to wait on others may be the perfect

opportunities to train ourselves to wait on God” (Joni Eareckson Tada). It is important to

remember that God makes no mistakes. We may not understand why things happen to

us, and we may not find it easy to have to give in. and swallow our pride and let others

do things for us, but for those of us who are Christians, we know that we have a

Sovereign God and that our lives are in His hands. As Calvin put it, “we are not afflicted

by chance, but through the infallible providence of God”.

There are certainly lessons to be learned when ill: “sickness takes us aside and sets us

alone with God, and with all the props removed, we learn to lean on God alone”

(Horatius Bonar). We come to realise that there is nothing that this world offers that can

ultimately give us the comfort and strength that we need to cope from day to day. We

also come to see that, from a practical point of view, we need to let others care for and

help us, to do things which we would usually do for ourselves - whether that be helping

with personal needs, giving a lift to medical appointments, doing some shopping

(although much can now be done online!), or whatever.

For Christians who are involved in caring for a fellow Christian who is ill, don’t forget that

the comfort which a Christian can give to another Christian is unique. Non-Christian

relatives and friends can of course offer help and support, and it is much appreciated,

but it is only Christians who can bring encouragement and minister to their fellow

believers on a spiritual level. We are told to “rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep

with them that weep” (Romans 12 v 15).

There is, of course, a sense in which real comfort in the midst of suffering can only come

to us from God Himself. We have great consolation in Christ. He knows our sorrows, He

understands what we are going through. We have the Holy Spirit as our Comforter, to

sustain and strengthen us when we feel we are floundering. We have the Scriptures.

We know that “all things work together for good to them that love God” and that “the

sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall

be revealed in us” (Romans 8 v 28, 18). Times of suffering and affliction provide

opportunities for us to witness and to glorify God. Quoting Horatius Bonar again: “What

a God-honouring thing to see a struggling, sorrowing child of earth cleave fast to God,

calmly trusting Him, happy and at rest in the midst of storm and suffering”. 

A pair of red clogs

This week we "rowed" A pair of red clogs by Masako Matsuno. This book describes how a girl is brought a new pair of clogs and her delight about this. Soon, however, the clogs are damaged and she schemes to get a new pair. Conscience comes into play and she realises that she cannot deceive her mother.
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Geography: The book is set in Japan. We found this on the map and by the end of the week Miss Belle was able to find Japan for herself.

I posted earlier in the week about making clogs.

We tried eating sushi but not home made as it looked too complicated. Of course, we ate with chopsticks.

Miss Belle has gained a taste for green tea!

We tried to fly kites but there wasn't much wind.

Maths:
This was an opportunity to play shops-shoe shops. Rather battered shoes were sold for amounts of real money reflecting their state!
The book also provides plenty of counting opportunity.
Mr Exuberance loved the book that we read alongside this: My Granny went to market:a round the world counting rhyme by Stella Blackstone.

Science:
The clogs are broken in a weather forecasting game. We took this idea and started to record the weather pictorially and in words on a calendar as well as making a very simple rain gauge and wind socks.

Literacy: The story is built around a reminiscence. We talked about memory and story telling from this.
Probably for the first time, I asked Miss Belle to narrate the story. I was amazed at the detail that she remembered. She had said that she couldn't remember and I realised that she thought that she had to remember every word!

Character: This story lends itself to talking about truthfulness and stewardship.
The book Lucy Lie a Lot by Irene Howat was a useful accompaniment.

I felt that we could have done more around this book but Miss Belle and Mr Exuberance have been so busy with other things-art and science have been almost non-stop this week. These little ones don't distinguish between "education time" and free time.

Not a child

I blame Shakespeare. Do you remember the Seven ages of man?

Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion,

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

In some ways he has a point but older people aren't children-not Biblically nor even by the standards of English law. But the second childhood idea has got into our thinking. Older people unnecessarily have decisions made for them, are called dear, given cups with straws or even given soft toys to hold.

So how should we consider older people, even those with cognitive impairment?

The Bible says that parents are to be honoured.

Honour thy father and thy mother.

Ephesians 5v2

It doesn't leave out those with cognitive impairment or even those who can't make their own decisions.


How can we honour such people? By treating them with dignity, helping them make decisions where possible and honouring the memory of their healthier years.  Further than this, they should be honoured just because that is God's command.

Honouring the memory of their healthier years is particularly important for grandchildren who may have no memory of the grandparent as a healthy active individual. Grandchildren can be told about what their grandparents were like, what they said, happy memories and what they were like as parents. Photographs and anecdotes can help, both for the grandchildren and helping the older person remember.


It doesn't necessarily mean taking over all the care oneself. That may be the right and honouring thing to do but it may not, if that care is more than can be provided in a respectful and high standard manner.


See more about caring at Caring takes time.

Inside gardening

The children are very keen to get out and planting but it is grey and I doubt whether much would germinate. So we have to make do with indoor gardening.

We have the hyacinths that they planted in the autumn

and new planting.

Cress-we had egg and cress this week so it is time to plant more.

Sprouting mung beans, to go with next week's Five in a Row book,

and indoor salad-planted outdoors.

Any more ideas for winter gardening?

Clogs

This week our Five in a Row book is A pair of red clogs by Masako Matsuno. This is about a Japanese girl and her pair of new, red clogs. The clogs get damaged whilst playing and she is tempted to deceive her mother in order to obtain a new pair.

I wanted to make some "clogs" for the children to decorate and use in a game mentioned in the book.

The clogs were made from recycled materials-excluding the paint. The bases were made from cardboard. They should be made from wood but I haven't done any woodwork since I was about 12. My other, and more relevant reason is that the children love walking around in real Dutch wooden clogs but they are so noisy on wood floors!

The bases are rectangles cut just larger than the child's foot. The thongs were made from old ribbon knotted under each hole.

The children painted their clogs. I was interested that they both chose red and yellow which are the predominant colours in the book.

The finished product.

Dried and on the feet

I don't think these will last long! Since they cost virtually nothing to make, they can be replaced easily and can also be thrown in the weather game in the book.

This is linked to It's playtime.

Caring takes time.

I muttered about this post the other day after a time consuming and unsuccessful afternoon. On reflection, that was the best start for this because caring takes time.

When Grandma arrived over four years ago, I had no idea how much time would be involved. Probably a good thing. It is right for her to be here but I would have gulped at the thought of the time. What is more, I don't do much caring. Many people do much, much more.

I don't have to get up at night (children excepted), do personal care nor  feed. Many, many people have to do these things and more. I've still got time and energy to blog. I don't have to watch a wanderer. But, even so, caring takes time.

Why, well, it varies but another person in any household takes time. They need to be looked after, talked to and have food and clean laundry but an older person isn't like another child.

An elder who lives with a family is likely to have health needs and may well not be able to arrange appointments, medication and tests for themselves. They are likely to need an advocate and this takes time. They are unlikely to be able to manage to get themselves to appointments or arrange collection of medication. Also true for children but the legal status of adults is different. No one will see a six year old on their own and leave you guessing whether they were given another appointment or not. Can happen with adults especially those on the cusp of being able to decide for themselves but who can be a bit fuzzy around the edges (perhaps more in another post). What happens when the older person is holding a blood test form but has an infection, gets a bit confused and can't find the form? Sorting it out takes time-sometimes the answer is to keep the forms somewhere else, sometimes it isn't.

They can't rush. I'm the sort of person who believes in arriving at appointments with 15 seconds to spare-not late, of course! In order to achieve this, it is necessary to be able to hotfoot down the road on occasion, sometimes with buggy. One year olds find this terribly exciting but I wouldn't suggest trying this with Granny in a wheelchair. The consequences are not quite the same. The other prerequisite of arriving just on time is a slightly blasé attitude to being late:
"By 1130, they will definitely be running at least a few minutes late".
True but not kind to someone who has never been late. So a bit of organisation is in order. It wasn't an easy lesson for me.

As people become frailer, it may not be possible to leave them for long. Can they get a meal-probably not, otherwise they might well be living alone. A slow cooker can help if this is the only issue. Are they prone to falls? Yes, of course, this needs to be looked at medically but it may mean that impromptu day trips for all the rest of the family are out. Not a disaster, but can need careful planning to make sure that children still get outings.

I'm not writing this to put anyone off caring for an older relative. We are convinced that this is the right course for us at present and also know that there have been many benefits but it does take time and can mean that there are other things that can't be done.

Mats from calendars

Happy New Year.

Today, we decided to reuse some old calendar pictures. It seemed sad to throw them away so I let my little people cut and stick. Miss Belle wanted to write so that she had a different mat for each meal.

No, I don't teach filled in "a"s.

Lunchtime

I laminated the results and teatime has already been used!

There are still plenty of old calendar pictures. I had envisaged a more collage type effect which would use up more calendar but the children weren't so keen on this idea- perhaps another project for another day.